Summer Log

[Hannainnc]

Originally Posted by Sophie

maybe i have a stomach bug on top of relasping. my blood pressure is low 79/55 and my resting heart rate is high 118 bpm.

you have a bp cuff with you?

go to the ER. You need help girl. Go nutty in the waiting room if you have to...anything to get help and don't think about cardio....I mean seriously, get some sense.

[Sophie]

BiggerGuns=LongerDrives - I have a lot of the things on that list. Some of them I think are related to this bug, or whatever it is, that I have.

Hannainnc: I didn't know Medicaid was monthly. I know I have to reapply quite often since I turned 18 but I didn't know it was every month. Looking up qualifications for Medicaid in this state.

The friend of the family I am with/father figure (Scott) has a blood pressure monitor as he has hypertension and the doctor needed him to monitor his blood pressure at home.

Eating disorders don't have anything to do with "sense" and neither do the actions one does when they have an eating disorder.


Just woke up from a nap. Before going to sleep blood pressure was above 90/60 a little. Didn't take it when I woke up. It has been going up very slowly all day and my heart rate has been going down. That's good.


added 10:20 pm EST:

didn't eat as much as yesterday but i felt better. maybe this bug or whatever it is is going away. then i'll just have to deal with the relapsing. could be worse i guess.

don't know when i'll go back to the gym. need to get my blood pressure stabilized and some energy.

[Sophie]

I think I am finally over this bug. Today is supposed to be an upper body day but I think I will do cardio today, upper body tomorrow, and lower body on Saturday. Then next week, start fresh. NO stomach bugs next week.

[GetFit]

Sophie, I can't understand the whole not being able to eat thing. Regardless you must realize you'd be healthier not working out if your going to eat those type of calories.

[Sophie]

Originally Posted by GetFit

Sophie, I can't understand the whole not being able to eat thing. Regardless you must realize you'd be healthier not working out if your going to eat those type of calories.

I had anorexia and am relapsing. That's why I'm not eating a lot.

What I know intellectually and what the disordered thoughts are telling me are completely different. I know I shouldn't work out when I'm hardly eating but where I am right now in my relapse it will just burn calories which equals weight loss, which in my twisted mind at the moment equals control or whatever in the world triggered this relapse. I have no clue at this time.

I was told working out during my last episode with anorexia might have saved my life as I had more muscle so I wasn't digesting vital organs to keep me alive. I'm saying that I'm using that as an excuse to keep exercising. I'm just terrified if I stop working out I'll get fat, which scares me.

I'm not really sure how to describe an eating disorder and the thoughts that comes with it. I know I probably did horrible job above but it's the best I can do right now.

[Hannainnc]

so you recognize the problem...but you do not try to fix it?

have you called the national eating disorders association helpline?

the number is 1-800-931-2237

or try calling 1-858-481-1515 or 1-847-831-3438 or
1-800-RENFREW

did you say you are in Ohio now?

The Center for Eating Disorders and Psychotherapy

[Sophie]

Originally Posted by Hannainnc

so you recognize the problem...but you do not try to fix it?

have you called the national eating disorders association helpline?

the number is 1-800-931-2237

or try calling 1-858-481-1515 or 1-847-831-3438 or
1-800-RENFREW

did you say you are in Ohio now?

The Center for Eating Disorders and Psychotherapy

If I knew how to fix it, I would. Eating disorders aren't easy to fix, if fixable at all.

As I've said, getting help with an eating disorder while still medically healthy is practically impossible. It is not seen as a "problem" by insurances until diagnosable.

I'm not in Ohio. I'm on vacation. Did look into getting a Medicaid card while here but cannot do it because I do not meet the requirements. I also might be going home soon (couple of weeks) and know from experience in Ohio that it could take longer than that to be approved. I will look into it for the next time I am out of Ohio for an extended time period though.

[Sophie]

So, I was going to go to the gym today. Scott's car had other ideas. It will not stay running and now it won't even start. Looks like I won't be going to the gym for a while. I'll have to make do with Scott's dumb bells. He used to have a weight set and bench but gave it away.

If worse comes to worse, I'll do cardio today.

[Sophie]

Scott thinks we'll have the car back by Wednesday afternoon at the latest. Until then, I guess I just do cardio.

[Sophie]

Got the car back yesterday!!!

Date: July 2
Time: 53 minutes
Average Heart Rate: 116
Calories Burned: 230

Bench Press - 55-8-8-8
Pec Deck Flyes - 45-8-8
Rear Lat. Pulldown - 62.5-8-8-8
Pullover - 25-8-8
Lateral Raise - 10-8-8
Front Raise - 10-8-8
Concentration Curls - 20-8-8-8 (left still weaker)
Hammer Curls - 10-10-10 (wish they had 2.5 lbs increments)
Triceps Pushdown - 50-8-8-8
Triceps Extension - 25-8-8
*Did crunches at home*

Today I went to the zoo and walked 2 miles while pushing a 160 lbs guy in a wheelchair up and down the hills. Ugh. That was my leg workout for today. If I do anything else for my legs, I'll add later. Right now, I need to rest.

[jennyd]

So wait....I was just reading this thing for the first time.
What happened with the eating thing?

Because it seemed to me that everyone was offering advice (once again) and it didn't seem like you were taking any of it (once again).

Are you eating? Just seems like you dropped the subject and went back to posting your training routine.

I just kept reading in each post where someone would say stop doing cardio, especially if you're not eating, and the next post you'd say something like, "I think I'll just do cardio".

You also seemed like you completely ignored Hanna's info that she gave with the National Hotline info.
Do you even want help Sophie?

I'm not trying to get on your case about this...but I'm just curious as to what happened with your 'eating bug', or 'relapse'.

[Sophie]

Originally Posted by jennyd

So wait....I was just reading this thing for the first time. What happened with the eating thing?

I'll get to that below.

Because it seemed to me that everyone was offering advice (once again) and it didn't seem like you were taking any of it (once again).

You seem to think an eating disorder is a switch I can switch on and off. It's not. Yes, I heard, and responded to each post. I know I need to eat more. I know I shouldn't exercise while eating so little. Eating disorders are not rational in that way. Just because I know I should be doing something, doesn't mean I can actually do it.

I don't know any other way to say it. I'll see if I can ind a link that better explains it.

Are you eating? Just seems like you dropped the subject and went back to posting your training routine.

Short answer, no. More than 200 calories though so I guess that's a start. I went back to posting my routine because that's what I am focusing on. It helped me be more accepting of myself before so maybe it will again.

I just kept reading in each post where someone would say stop doing cardio, especially if you're not eating, and the next post you'd say something like, "I think I'll just do cardio".

You did notice I never posted that I did any, right?

You also seemed like you completely ignored Hanna's info that she gave with the National Hotline info.
Do you even want help Sophie?

I didn't ignore it. There is nothing they could do, like I said in the response. The number is for information and referrals. I know all about eating disorders and the available help in my area. In my area, there is none. At my weight, there is none willing anyway.

I'm not trying to get on your case about this...but I'm just curious as to what happened with your 'eating bug', or 'relapse'.

Stomach bug is gone, still relapsing.

Maybe this will help explain things better. Taken from ANRED: Information and Resources

"The person exercises excessively and compulsively. May tire easily, keeping up a harsh regimen only through sheer will power. As time passes, athletic performance suffers. Even so, s/he refuses to change excessively demanding routines. .......total calories are less than what an active lifestyle requires."

"The person loses, or tries to lose, weight. Has frantic fears of weight gain and obesity. Wears baggy clothes, sometimes in layers, to hide fat or hide emaciation and stay warm. Obsesses about clothing size. Complains that s/he is fat even though others truthfully say this is not so. S/he will not believe them.

Spends lots of time inspecting self in the mirror and usually finds something to criticize. Detests all or specific parts of the body, especially belly, thighs, and buttocks. Insists s/he cannot feel good about self unless s/he is thin, and s/he is never thin enough to satisfy her/himself."

"Not all, but a subset of people with eating disorders think they do not deserve to eat or enjoy tasty food. They starve, stuff, or purge in deliberate attempts to punish themselves. They may also cut their flesh or otherwise hurt themselves. Some want to become increasingly debilitated, even suffer the indignities of tube feedings and IVs, and eventually weaken and die. They see this not as a cry for help or attention, or an attempt to control their lives, but as well-deserved punishment for misperceived flaws and misdeeds. Their extreme self-hatred must be dealt with in therapy if they are to recover."

"People who have survived abuse often do not know what to do with the painful feelings and overwhelming memories that remain, sometimes even many years later. Some try to escape those feelings and memories by numbing themselves with binge food or through starvation. Some try to symbolically cleanse themselves by vomiting or abusing laxatives. Some starve themselves because they believe they are "bad" and do not deserve the comfort of food and the nurture it represents.

As with all eating disorders, the starving and stuffing that follow abuse are coping behaviors. The key to recovery is finding out what the person is trying to achieve, or avoid, with the behaviors. S/he then needs to find, and use, healthier and more effective behaviors to feel better and make life happier. Almost always professional counseling is necessary to complete the process."

~~~~~~~~~~~
Brief history of my eating disorder. I started chewing and spitting when I was around 3-5 years old, about when the sexual abuse started. I was/am a picky eater and a lot of foods trigger memories of the abuse. When I got caught spitting out my food, I would sit there for hours just looking at the food and eventually the adults would take it away.

Never really ate enough until upper elementary when the abuse ended. That was short lived. By junior high I was back to restricting and when I was 14 I was 93 lbs and doing about 10 hours of baton a week or more.

started eating better and did that for almost a year and a half. Hated how I looked in all the pictures I had of my self my sophomore year so I started restricted again. I got down to 86 lbs summer after my senior year and was hospitalized.

Did good for two years after I got out of the hospital and am now relapsing. I think it's from triggers that trigger abuse memories, make me think I shouldn't eat and make me remember what happened growing up when I ate "too much" when I was with certain family members.

I have lost 5 lbs within a month, not a big deal. I weigh 113 lbs and am 5'1. Since my weight is fine, there is no treatment for me. I have what is called ED-NOS (eating disorder not otherwise specified). If my weight drops to 93 lbs, I then will meet the criteria for anorexia, only because I'm on birth control pills so getting my period.

I hope the above explains things better and I'm sorry it's so long.

[jennyd]

Well, I also read this from that site...and in a lot of circumstances, I think the parts that I made bold do describe you.

In spite of average or above-average intelligence, the person thinks in magical and simplistic ways, for example, "If I am thinner, I will feel better about myself." S/he loses the ability to think logically, evaluate reality objectively, and admit and correct undesirable consequences of choices and actions.
Becomes irrational and denies that anything is wrong. Argues with people who try to help, and then withdraws, sulks, or throws a tantrum. Wanting to be special, s/he becomes competitive. Strives to be the best, the smallest, the thinnest, and so forth.

BUT...this anorexia...this relapse....you know that you should be eating. You know that your weight is 'healthy and normal' as you keep putting it. Anorexics don't know these things...they think they're fat and think that they need to lose weight to become something better, and they lose control of what is realistically healthy and what is not. They have a distorted body image. Some even think it's a cool thing to be disgustingly scrawny. You are not claiming to posess any of these things, and you are saying that you want to get help but nobody will help you because of your weight? I find that EXTREMELY hard to believe that a girl is starving herself and no doctor is willing to help, because of your bodyweight. You are saying that you can't get any psychological help? What about the abuse issues? They won't treat you for that because you don't have bruises?

And please don't go and tell me that I don't know what I'm talking about, and that I don't know anything about eating disorders or abuse...you don't know me.

I hate to be the one to be giving out this "tough love" so to speak, but to me...all this shows is weakness...and that is not very attractive on anyone, imo. You show a desire for attention. And most of all, nobody can help you if you're not willing to help yourself.

[Sophie]

Originally Posted by jennyd

Well, I also read this from that site...and in a lot of circumstances, I think the parts that I made bold do describe you.

In spite of average or above-average intelligence, the person thinks in magical and simplistic ways, for example, "If I am thinner, I will feel better about myself." S/he loses the ability to think logically, evaluate reality objectively, and admit and correct undesirable consequences of choices and actions.
Becomes irrational and denies that anything is wrong. Argues with people who try to help, and then withdraws, sulks, or throws a tantrum. Wanting to be special, s/he becomes competitive. Strives to be the best, the smallest, the thinnest, and so forth.

I’ll agree with some of what you bolded. I do know the consequences and know what will happen if I continue to do this. I haven’t denied anything is wrong. I know I’m relapsing and I don’t consider this “special” in any form or fashion. It’s an illness like any other.

BUT...this anorexia...this relapse....you know that you should be eating. You know that your weight is 'healthy and normal' as you keep putting it. Anorexics don't know these things...

I disagree that “anorexics don’t know these things” comment. Some don’t, some do. They’re not all the same. Some are very well aware that what they are doing is killing them but they can't stop.

they think they're fat and think that they need to lose weight to become something better, and they lose control of what is realistically healthy and what is not. They have a distorted body image. Some even think it's a cool thing to be disgustingly scrawny. You are not claiming to posess any of these things

I said I know my weight is normal. I also know when I look in the mirror I hate what I see. I want my lower body to be smaller. I want to look like I did when I was 90 lbs. Even looking back at the pictures before I was hospitalized I don’t think I looked that bad. I know this is brain chemistry and once you restrict so long it's just something that happens.

Eating disorders have nothing to do with weight. It’s just something to focus on. Something to control when you have nothing else to control. Losing weight is a consequence of not eating which is a symptom of a larger problem.

I don't restrict my caloric intake to lose weight. I do it so I don't get flashbacks of the abuse. Losing weight is just something I can focus on.

and you are saying that you want to get help but nobody will help you because of your weight? I find that EXTREMELY hard to believe that a girl is starving herself and no doctor is willing to help, because of your bodyweight. You are saying that you can't get any psychological help?

You not believing it doesn’t make it not true. Before I was hospitalized I wasn’t even diagnosed with anorexia because my weight was “too high”. I saw a nutritionist who told me my diet was normal and all girls eat like that even though I was eating 600 calories a day. My doctor said I should weigh between 95-100 lbs and if I got below 70 lbs he'd do something about it.

So yes, when it comes to getting treatment for eating disorders, weight does matter. Did you not read what Hawkwind said?

Psychological help right now, no. Not in college. On vacation. Will be home soon. No one accepts Medicaid except the place I went to before I was hospitalized. They did nothing except make things worse. So until I’m back in college, no, no therapy.

What about the abuse issues? They won't treat you for that because you don't have bruises?

My therapist at college has told me she doesn’t know how to help me. Every time I bring it up she asks if I am going back to ITT (Intensive Trauma Treatment) anytime soon. No therapist I have ever went, except for ITT has been able to help me. They’ve all told me they aren’t trained to deal with it.

ITT costs $4,000 out of pocket for every 5 days I go there. I have been for a total of 10 days. My friend of the family/father figure has paid every penny of that money.

Until I get the abuse issues resolved, I will struggle with the eating disorder. I've been told this and I know it. My friend can't afford $4,000 very often though. I have to make due with the help I get there, continue the techniques once I get out, and go from there.

And please don't go and tell me that I don't know what I'm talking about, and that I don't know anything about eating disorders or abuse...you don't know me.

You don’t know me or my situation either.

I hate to be the one to be giving out this "tough love" so to speak, but to me...all this shows is weakness...and that is not very attractive on anyone, imo. You show a desire for attention. And most of all, nobody can help you if you're not willing to help yourself.

I don't know how long I've sat here trying to figure out what to say to the above. I've typed out many things but deleted them all.

I'll just say that no one here knows what I think about myself, knows my situation, or what I've already tried and didn't work. I have been in therapy for once thing or another since I was 5 and a lot of progress has been made. I also know there is still a lot that needs to be made. I don't know what else to say on this matter.

[Sophie]

Still exhausted from yesterday. I spent most of the day in bed. No workout. Back to the gym tomorrow hopefully.

[Sophie]

Date: July 5
Time Lifting: 55 minutes
Average Heart Rate: 122

Bench Press - 55-8-8-8 (will drop weight next week to work on form. when increased the weight, my form left)
Pec Deck Flyes - 45-9-9
Rear Lat. Pulldown - 62.5-9-9-9
Pullover - 25-8-8
Lateral Raise - 10-8-8
Front Raise - 10-8-8
Concentration Curls - 20-8-8-8 (arms still tired from pushing friend at zoo i think. it was a struggle)
Triceps Pushdown - 50-9-9-9
Triceps Extension - 25-8-8
Vertical Knee Raises - 20-20
Lying Leg-Hip Raise - 20-20
Lever Push Crunch - 55-20-20

It felt great to be back in the gym and on top of it all, my Arnold Classic tickets came today!!!!!

[Traps]

I havent really followed the story that has illicited some of the responses in Sophie's log, but I am informed enough to understand that its becoming borderline harrassing. I have deleted 7 posts that do nothing more than attempt to stir a confrontation. If someone is willing to offer advice, and truely wants to help someone that acknowledges an issue, it would be better to state your opinions in a mannor that works with the personality you are dealing with as opposed to directly attacking it.

Just my opinio