joke =) - BodybuildingForYou

dannyboy9 · #1 (**permalink**) 01-22-2007, 05:06 PM

Dear Diary.

For my fortieth birthday this year, my wife
(the dear) purchased a week of personal training at
the local health club for me. Although I am still in great shape
since playing on my college football team 25 years
ago, I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and
give it a try. I called the club and made my
reservation with a personal trainer named Belinda,
who identified herself as a 26 yr. old aerobics
instructor and model for athletic clothing and
swimwear. My wife seemed pleased with my enthusiasm
to get started! The club encouraged me to keep a diary
to chart my progress.

MONDAY:

Started my day at 6 am.

Tough to get out of bed, but it was well worth
it when I arrived at the health club to find Belinda
waiting for me.

She was something of a Greek goddess-- with
blonde hair, dancing eyes and a dazzling white smile.

Woo Hoo!!!!!
She took my pulse after 5 minutes on the
treadmill. She was alarmed that my pulse was so fast,
but I attributed it to standing next to her in her
Lycra aerobics outfit. I enjoyed watching the skillful
way in which she conducted her aerobics class after my
workout today - Very inspiring .

Belinda was encouraging as I did my sit-ups, although
my gut was already aching from holding it in the whole time she
as around.

This is going to be a FANTASTIC week!!

TUESDAY:

I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally
made it out the door. Belinda made me lie on my back
and push a heavy iron bar into the air, and then she
put weights on it!

My legs were a little wobbly on the treadmill,
but I made the full mile. Belinda's rewarding smile
made it all worthwhile.

I feel GREAT!! It's a whole new life for me.

WEDNESDAY:

The only way I can brush my teeth is by lying
on the toothbrush on the counter and moving my mouth
back and forth over it. I believe I have a hernia in
both pectorals.

Driving was okay as long as I didn't try to> steer or stop.

Belinda was impatient with me, insisting that
my screams bothered the other club members.

Her voice is a little too perky for early in
the morning and when she scolds, she gets this nasally
whine that is VERY annoying.

My chest hurts when I got on the treadmill, so
Belinda put me on the stair monster. Why the hell
would anyone invent a machine to simulate an activity
rendered obsolete by elevators? Belinda told me it
would help me get in shape and enjoy life.

She said some other **** too.

THURSDAY:

Belinda was waiting for me with her
vampire-like teeth exposed as her thin, cruel lips
were pulled back in a full snarl. I couldn't help
being a half hour late; it took me that long to tie my
shoes. Belinda took me to workout with dumbbells.
When she was not looking, I ran and hid in the men's
room.

She sent Lars to find me, then, as punishment,
put me on the rowing machine -- which I sank.

FRIDAY:

I hate that ***** Belinda more than any human
being has ever hated any other human being in the
history of the world. Stupid, skinny, anemic little
cheerleading *****.

If there were a part of my body I could move
without unbearable pain, I would beat her with it.

Belinda wanted me to work on my triceps.

I don't have any triceps!

And if you don't want dents in the floor, don't
hand me the "@#$%" barbells or anything that weighs
more than a sandwich.

The treadmill flung me off and I landed on a
health and nutrition teacher. Why couldn't it have
been someone softer, like the drama coach or the choir
director?

SATURDAY:

Belinda left a message on my answering machine
in her grating, shrilly voice wondering why I did not
show up today. Just hearing her made me want to smash
the machine with my planner. However, I lacked the
strength to even use the TV remote and ended up catching eleven straight hours of the Weather Channel.

SUNDAY:

I'm having the church van pick me up for
services today so I can go and thank GOD that this
week is over.

I will also pray that next year, my wife (the
other *****), will choose a gift for me that is fun
--like a root canal or a vasectomy.