HELP! Question for the ladies (or guys...)

[El_Torro]

Ok, the situation im in is really starting to bug me so I've come to you guys and gals for advice, the good thing about this forum is there's no lack of opinion!

My girlfriend (now ex) cheated on me a few months back and some aspects of it are stopping me from moving on... I should probably tell the whole story, which is hard cause it's an blow to my masculinity in a way...

She has a (big) history of cheating and I think that always made me aware that she might do it again, which caused a few arguments. She never wanted me to socialise with her friends, never really trusted me (which i think was projecting), kept in contact and met up with her ex, started to hide things she was upto because "It always caused an argument." Her answer was always the same old "I'm with you so just trust me, and deal with it." Anyways, I had other commitments for a couple of weeks and her behaviour over this period started to make me suspicious. I did some sneaking around, something im not proud of, and got enough evidence to convince myself she was seeing someone else (not her ex surprisingly), at this point I was properly heart broken.

When I confronted her, the trouble really started; she flat out denyed anything and lied about facts she didn't know I already knew the answer to. Somewhere in the weeks that followed I went back and forth from believing her (denial) and both of us being harsh... In the end she admitted to lying about most things but one thing is really buggin me; she wont admit that she slept with him while we together, even though she's admitted everything else.

So now im doing my best to ignore her and move on but she wants me in her life and for me to forgive her. I don't reply to txt, calls or e-mails but she manipulates me after a few days (always was really good at that!). Even after the cheating, the lies, all the insults, and the fact she wont admit to the one thing we both already know... It sounds weird but I honestly still love her, and she's on my mind constantly, but I hate her for what she's done.

What's your advice on this guys? You had similar experiences? Should I just move on and work on my broken self esteem or get back in contact to find out the truth or be friends? U think forgiveness is an option?

I think a woman's (unbiased) perspective would be great, since most of my male and female friends are just saying get laid!!! Help a guy out, this is really screwing my head up. So much so I'm a bit anxious about getting into another relationship. Thx!

p.s This isn't a new relationship, it was great from the start till this point, unfortunately enough time for me to really fall for her and get hurt!!

[RRAdam]

You could probably use this to your advantage... a friend w/ benefits deal.

[mywetnightmares]

"There's an old saying in Tennessee — I know it's in Texas, probably in Tennessee — that says, fool me once, shame on — shame on you. Fool me — you can't get fooled again." G-Dub

I say if she has a history of cheating then you're just setting yourself up for heartbreak by getting back together.

[aikurushii]

That's not love, that's attachment. "Love yourself before you can love others."
If you love yourself enough, you wouldn't let others to put you down like that.

[jennyd]

You gotta walk away, even though it's hard to do now. It will get easier with time.
And I'm not even one of those people that say leave because she cheated on you...because I do fully believe that people do stupid things at times and it could be worked out if that was the case...but you said that she has a history of cheating, which means that this is who she is, and isn't going to change.
Even if you worked things out now, it will still be on your mind any time she did anything, and then there'd be no trust, which would lead to fights, and animosity, and more lying.
She's good at manipulating you after a few days because she's a cheater, which equals a lyer, which means she's used to doing these things, and is good at it by now.
She might care about you, but she can't possibly love you the way that a guy deserves to be loved by their girlfriend if this is what she's willing to do to you...lying, hiding things, and cheating isn't really that considerate of your feelings, is it?
And even though you care about her right now, wouldn't you rather not waste more time on it and move on, because all of this time that you're wasting on this situation, that doesn't look like it's going to get any better, you could be missing the opportunity to meet that person that will blow your mind, and be faithful at the same time.

[TrainedMind]

First of all...I am sorry for you having to go through that crap. I know it's not pleasant to go through that kind of mental and emotional abuse. Familiar puntang is so hard to get over with, but that's just it..you neeed to sever the ties: Otherwise you will experience the same freaking thing later on down the line..You know her history, her insatiable appetite for schlong will not be fullfilled by anyone so you might as well let her go and MOVE ON. I wouldn't go out with anyone right now cause it wouldn't be fair to you and the other half. Hang out with your buds and be active. That's the best medicine you can have for now. Goodluck!

[Fonz]

yup let that train wreck come to an end. i know its rough leaving a long relationship but it sounds like it wasnt meant to be. thankfully ive never been cheated on but i know i would never be able to forgive that.

[megadave]

Premeditated cheating is unforgiveable. Drunken oops 1 time thing cheating.....maybe....

[Hawkwind]

First: El_Torro! Good to see you here!

Secondly: I've been cheated on. By my fiance and my husband. I walked away from the fiance and it was the best thing I ever did. Hubby and I have three kids. I stayed so they could have a stable home...now I'm in a world of it since all but one is now out on their own and I'm looking to get out. I'm going to be giving up a lot. (Long story, don't want to get into it.)

So ... seriously ... walk away now.

[El_Torro]

Well, thx all for the replies... really good advice, rivals that of those so called 'psychologist' websites! But it's nice to actually hear it from people that have experienced it, not alot phases me in life but this was/is pure torture. I cannot understand how something so hateful is always affiliated with love... mad world huh?!

So general consensus is walk away? I'm happy with doing that, was what I was leaning towards... Just gonna throw myself into the gym and work on 'me' for a while, physically and mentally.

For those that have been cheated on... Any thoughts on whether i should stay in contact? Even if I can't forgive, I'd like to know she turns into the 40 yr old, overweight, divorced walking shadow that I'm predicting!!!

Or just cut all ties now... zero, nada, zip, no contact what-so-ever...?

Originally Posted by Hawkwind

First: El_Torro! Good to see you here!

Thx Hawk, glad to be back! If you ever wanna IM 'opposite sex' hating session lemme know and ill add ya to my msn Really hope you sort it out, I can understand how you're feeling, I grew up in an environment like that...

[LongboardLuLu]

1. Nice to know you're still around! Was wondering where you've been.

2. Cheating of any kind is unforgivable. Which leads to...

3. Walk away. It may hurt a lot, but I promise you'll be better off. I let an ex get away with it once, and he turned around and did it again. So save yourself more heartache and just go. There is someone out there who is much, much better for you.

And in response to your last post about staying in contact...honestly, I wouldn't. You said she's manipulative so she'll just find a way to manipulate your more. Later on maybe a friendship would work, but I don't think it's a good idea right now.

Good luck to you!!

[Hawkwind]

I actually inadvertantly stayed in contact with the fiance through his family. His mother and I were close until she passed away and his younger brother and I have been friends all these years. I even testified on his behalf when his cheating spouse tried to severe custody with his youngest son so she could leave state with her latest bf.

I made the right decision to walk away. My fiance ended up divorced and re-married and he turned into a bitter untrusting man. He 'got his' in the long run.

It's not going to be easy leaving here. I'm giving up my inheritance. (Land) Family, (We built our house on my land near my family.) Possibly my adult children since I won't tell them the truth about their father. They don't need to know what he has done to me over the years. So I expect them to turn their backs on me for a while. Especially since the oldest and the youngest have asked me repeatedly to stick it out. I'll have to leave town and actually want to since when I married him I married half the freaking town.

But with any luck...but the end of the year I'll be able to lay my head down at night and finally sleep peacefully and without fear of my future.

(My msn is glitchy lately. I'm going to be getting a new computer sometime in the next two months. Hopefully I'll be able to get it back up and running smoothly then. Shoot me a PM if you need to chat and I'll PM you my e-mail.)

[Timothy]

Originally Posted by LongboardLuLu

1. Nice to know you're still around! Was wondering where you've been.

2. Cheating of any kind is unforgivable. Which leads to...

3. Walk away. It may hurt a lot, but I promise you'll be better off. I let an ex get away with it once, and he turned around and did it again. So save yourself more heartache and just go. There is someone out there who is much, much better for you.

And in response to your last post about staying in contact...honestly, I wouldn't. You said she's manipulative so she'll just find a way to manipulate your more. Later on maybe a friendship would work, but I don't think it's a good idea right now.

Good luck to you!!

Bump.

[SUPREMO]

Get rid of her and cut off all contact. Contact w/ her will just make it harder for you. Quit talking to her and focus on yourself for awhile.

[z-man]

wait till you know she is with him and bust down her door.. j/k

[TRAZ]

Yeah man...gotta' let her go....I have been there and it sucks, but a real woman dosen't cheat! There are great girls out there just give it time....

[TrainedMind]

I would strongly advice no contact. because once you smell that sweet familiar smell of hers and she gives you the eye...there's no turning back, you will have make up sex and don't get me wrong...make up sex is the best!!! but not in your case. stick with "ME" time.

[Fuse]

**** it, my ex tried the same **** on me, well, not really, but close enough,

it's hard, but look at it this way, you know she doesnt truly love you, and you know that whatever you do, she's still gonna stab you in the back, that alone should be more than enough to persuade you to stop,

stand up and have the determination to close the door behind you even though its hard, and there will definitely be times when your tempted to peek into the door, but don't, its not worth it.

let go, your a free man, go clubbing, get drunk and bang a chick

[fadi]

Breakups are difficults. You really need to make up your mind about wanting it to be over and just end it once and for all. If you decide so, then there is no going back. If you are still contemplating it, you will continue to think about her and you will continue to suffer.

There is this misconception that you need to prove something to justify a breakup. If you do not trust her or constantly doubting her, then end it. You do not have an obligation to explain to her why or attempt to convince her of her wrong doing. You do not want to be with someone you cannot trust and would constantly lie to you.

[aikurushii]

fadi = Dr. Phil