The gift of CHUCK NORRIS....

[berdindc]

1. Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.

2. Chuck Norris built a time machine and went back in time to stop the
JFK assassination. As Oswald shot, Chuck met all three bullets with
his beard, deflecting them. JFK's head exploded out of sheer
amazement.

3. Chuck Norris recently had the idea to sell his urine as a canned
beverage. We know this beverage as Red Bull.

4. Rather than being birthed like a normal child, Chuck Norris instead
decided to punch his way out of his mother's womb. Shortly thereafter
he grew a beard.

5. Chuck Norris lives by only one rule: No Asian Chicks.

6. Takeru Kobayashi ate 50 and a half hotdogs in 12 minutes. Chuck
Norris ate 12 asian babies in 50 and a half minutes. Chuck Norris won.

7. The original theme song to the Transformers was actually "Chuck
Norris--more than meets the eye, Chuck Norris--robot in disguise," and
starred Chuck Norris as a Texas Ranger who defended the earth from
drug-dealing Decepticons and could turn into a pick-up. This was far
too much awesome for a single show, however, so it was divided.

8. Chuck Norris was the fourth Wiseman. He brought baby Jesus the gift
of "beard". Jesus wore it proudly to his dying day. The other Wisemen,
jealous of Jesus' obvious gift favoritism, used their combined
influence to have Chuck omitted from the Bible. Shortly after all
three died of roundhouse kick related deaths.

9. Chuck Norris's girlfriend once asked him how much wood a woodchuck
could chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood. He then shouted, "HOW
DARE YOU RHYME IN THE PRESENCE OF CHUCK NORRIS!" and ripped out her
throat. Holding his girlfriend's bloody throat in his hand he
bellowed, "Don't **** with Chuck!" Two years and five months later he
realized the irony of this statement and laughed so hard that anyone
within a hundred mile radius of the blast went deaf.

10. To prove it isn't that big of a deal to beat cancer. Chuck Norris
smoked 15 cartons of cigarettes a day for 2 years and aquired 7
different kinds of cancer only to rid them from his body by flexing
for 30 minutes. Beat that, Lance Armstrong.

11. Chuck Norris once shot a German plane down with his finger, by
yelling, "Bang!"

12. Little Miss Muffet sat on her tuffet, until Chuck Norris
roundhouse kicked her into a glacier.

13. Chuck Norris frequently signs up for beginner karate classes, just
so he can "accidentally" beat the **** out of little kids.

14. Chuck Norris took my virginity, and he will sure as hell take
yours. If you're thinking to yourself, "That's impossible, I already
lost my virginity.", then you are dead wrong.

15. When Chuck Norris's wife burned the turkey one Thanksgiving, Chuck
said, "Don't worry about it honey," and went into his backyard. He
came back five minutes later with a live turkey, ate it whole, and
when he threw it up a few seconds later it was fully cooked and came
with cranberry sauce. When his wife asked him how he had done it, he
gave her a roundhouse kick to the face and said, "Never question Chuck
Norris."

16. Chuck Norris can make a woman climax by simply pointing at her and
saying "booya".

17. When Chuck Norris plays Oregon Trail his family does not die from
cholera or dysentery, but rather roundhouse kicks to the face. He also
requires no wagon, since he carries the oxen, axels, and buffalo meat
on his back. He always makes it to Oregon before you.

18. Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks
and unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction
was finalized, Chuck roundhouse kicked the devil in the face and took
his soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn't stay mad and
admitted he should have seen it coming. They now play poker every
second Wednesday of the month.

19. In one episode of Fresh Prince of Bel Air, Chuck Norris replaced
Carlton for one scene and nobody noticed.

20. Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.

21. Chuck Norris punched a woman in the vagina when she didn't give
him exact change.

22. Chuck Norris has every copy of National Geographic in his
basement. He also has the ability to lift every single one of them at
once.

23. Chuck Norris found out about Conan O'Brien's lever that shows
clips from "Walker: Texas Ranger" and is working on a way to make it
show clips of Norris having sex with Conan's wife.

24. Chuck Norris once tried to sue Burger King after they refused to
put razor wire in his Whopper Jr., insisting that that actually is
"his" way.

25. Chuck Norris ruins the endings of Harry Potter books for children
who just bought one for the hell of it. When they start crying Chuck
Norris calmly says, "I'll give you something to cry about," and
roundhouse kicks them in the face.

26. Chuck Norris once went to a frat party, and proceeded to
roundhouse every popped collar in sight. He then drank three kegs and
**** on their floor, just because he's Chuck Norris.

27. Chuck Norris doesn't have normal white blood cells like you and I.
His have a small black ring around them. This signifies that they are
black belts in every form of martial arts and they roundhouse kick the
**** out of viruses. That's why Chuck Norris never gets ill.

28. If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you can't see
Chuck Norris you may be only seconds away from death.

29. Those aren't credits that roll after Walker Texas Ranger, it is
actually a list of people that Chuck Norris round house kicked in the
face that day.

30. The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain.

31. i honestly knew a kid in highschool who's grandpa knocked chuck
norris out in a kickboxing-style competition.

32. Chuck Norris has special cowboy boots made that say "You been
Whoop'd" backwards on the sole, so when he gives you a roundhouse to
the face everyone will know that you were whoop'd.

33. Chuck Norris once killed a bear with his bare hands. Then
resurrected it just so he could keep fighting it. He did this 23 times
straight without water, rest or food until the bear became nothing
more than fur and splinters of bone.

34. alot of people think Chuck Norris was in Delta Force. in reality,
he IS Delta Force, single handedly completing every covert opp, EVER!
this is only kept quiet so the ruskies dont find out. if they tried to
convince him to defect, he would likely roundhouse kick every single
commie bastard in that frozen **** hole. the problem with that is the
friction from his snake skin boots roundhousing through the air at
such a high speed, for so long, would raise the ambiant temp by
several degrees, eventualy melting the polar ice caps and, well, you
know the rest.

35. Chuck Norris made the ultimate PSA, in which he roundhouse kicks a
joint out of this kid's mouth while saying, "Men are like steel. When
they lose their temper, they lose their worth."

36. After filming "Sidekicks", Chuck Norris round-house kicked
Johnathan Brandis in the face. Brandis never lived this down and was
the secret reason he commited suicide.

37. Chuck Norris single-handedly round-house kicked every dinosaur to
death. Not some ***** ass meteor.

[TRAZ]

Wow I have never heard these before! Where did you get these! Was it from the internet? Or maybe the 10000000000's of threads that already have this entire post included in them.....

[Beatin Guts]

Chuck Norris is your dad!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[TRAZ]

Chuck Norris is everyone's dad!

[man_i_dono]

chuck norris once had a siamese twin.. and they were connected by his feet and his twin's face in the roundhouse position.. unfortunately his twin was born dead.. they believe his twin was killed in his mother's womb..