the man's rules

[salb3039]

If its old or a repost, too bad....stfu.



We always hear "the rules"
from the female side. Now here are the rules from the male side. These are our rules!
Please note... these are all numbered "1"
ON PURPOSE!

1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.

1. Sunday sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.

1. Shopping is NOT a sport. And no, we are never going to think of it that way.

1. Crying is blackmail.

1. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: Subtle hints do not work! Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not work!
Just say it!

1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.

1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.

1. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.

1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 days.

1. If you won't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect us to act like soap opera guys.

1. If you think you're fat, you probably are.
Don't ask us.

1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.

1. You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done. Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.

1. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.

1. Christopher Columbus did not need directions and neither do we.

1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.

1. If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.

1. If we ask what is wrong and you say nothing," we will act like nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.

1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear.

1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine...Really.

1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as baseball, the shotgun formation, or monster trucks.

1. You have enough clothes.

1. You have too many shoes.

1. I am in shape. Round is a shape.

1. Thank you for reading this. Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight; but did you know men really don't mind that? It's like camping.

[Hannainnc]

nice rules. woman rule number 1...those man rules suck.

[NJPitcher]

That last one is so true. I used to sleep on the couch for fun, and I know my cousin went through a phase like that when he was like 12.

[Odin92681]

This Thread should not disappear.

It is vital to the survival of Men everywhere.

And just a note.....I am camping in our guest room tonight. I love having water-beds in all the rooms.

[TrainedMind]

Rule #1 is really true...I can add some more but why? all rules of men are #1 anyways

[Odin92681]

Originally Posted by TrainedMind

Rule #1 is really true...I can add some more but why? all rules of men are #1 anyways

So True

[ATK]

I wish to add to this post by sharing the accumulated wisdom of men from the land down under, Gentlemen I give you:

International Rules of Manliness
================================


01: Under no circumstances may two men share an umbrella,
unless at the footy, and your pies are getting wet, then
for the eating period only it is permissible.

02: It is ok for a man to cry under the following circumstances:
a. When a heroic dog dies to save its master.
b. The moment Angelina Jolie starts unbuttoning her blouse.
c. After wrecking your boss' car.
d. One hour, 12 minutes, 37 seconds into "The Crying Game".
e. When she is using her teeth.

03: Any Man who brings a camera to a stag night may be legally
killed and eaten by his mates.

04: Unless he murdered someone in your family, you must bail
a friend out of jail within 12 hours.

05: If you've known a bloke for more than 24 hours, his sister
is off limits forever, unless you actually marry her.

06: Moaning about the brand of free beer in a mate's fridge is
forbidden.
However, complain at will if the temperature is unsuitable.

07: No man shall ever be required to buy a birthday present for
another man.
In fact, even remembering your mate's birthday is strictly
optional.

08: On a road trip, the strongest bladder determines pit stops,
not the weakest.

09: When stumbling upon other blokes watching a sporting event,
you may ask the score of the game in progress, but you may
never ask who's playing.

10: You may flatulate in front of a woman only after you have
brought her to climax.
If you trap her head under the covers for the purpose of
flatulent entertainment, she's officially your girlfriend.

11: It is permissible to quaff a fruity alcopop drink only when
you're sunning on a tropical beach...
and it's delivered by a topless supermodel...
and it's free.

12: Only in situations of moral and/or physical peril are you
allowed to kick another bloke in the nuts.

13: Unless you're in prison, never fight naked.

14: Friends don't let friends wear Speedos. Ever. Issue closed.

15: If a man's fly is down, that's his problem, you didn't see
anything.

16: Women who claim they "love to watch sports" must be treated
as spies until they demonstrate knowledge of the game (can
explain offside or LBW) and the ability to drink as much as the
other sports watchers.

17: A man in the company of a hot, suggestively dressed woman
must remain sober enough to fight.

18: Never hesitate to reach for the last beer or the last slice
of pizza, but not both, that's just greedy.

19: If you compliment a bloke on his six-pack, you'd better
be talking about his choice of beer.

20: Never join your girlfriend or wife in discussing a mate
of yours except if she's withholding sex pending your response.

21: Phrases that may NOT be uttered to another man while
lifting weights:
a Yeah, Baby, Push it!
b. C'mon, give me one more! Harder!
c. Another set and we can hit the showers!

22: Never talk to a man in a bathroom unless you are on equal
footing: i.e. both urinating, both waiting in line, etc.
For all other situations, an almost imperceptible nod is all
the conversation you need.

23: Never allow a telephone conversation with a woman to go on
longer than you are able to have sex with her.
Keep a stopwatch by the phone. Hang up if necessary.

24: The morning after you and a girl who was formerly "just a
friend" have had drunken sex, the fact that you're feeling
weird and guilty is no reason for you not to nail each other
again before the discussion about what a big mistake it was
occurs.

25: It is acceptable for you to drive her car. It is not
acceptable for her to drive yours.

26: Thou shalt not buy a car in the colours of brown, pink,
lime green, orange or sky blue.

27: The girl who replies to the question "What do you want for
Christmas?" with "If you loved me,you'd know what I want!"
gets an Xbox.
End of story.

28: There is no reason for guys to watch Men's Ice Skating or
Men's Gymnastics. Ever.

[TRAZ]

Young Ones OWN ALL.....

[Chuck Norris]

Rule #1: Chuck Norris is the definition of what every man wants to be, and what every man should strive for.


Rule #1: Chuck Norris will have already had sex with the girl you are about to lay. Even if she is a virgin.


Rule #1: B!tches that cry (or give the "sad face") in the presence of any man for blackmail, especially Chuck Norris, should be roundhouse kicked til you bleed out your ears. It always only takes Chuck Norris one kick.

Rule #1: Every girl is required by the rules of men to leave them the hell alone when watching tv.


Rule #1: I am Chuck Norris, B!tch.


Rule #1: If a man pees on the toilet seat and doesn't feel compelled to wipe it up, he should not wipe it up. If he does feel compelled to wipe it up, his girlfriend or his mother owns his ass, and should get out of there as soon as possible.

[TrainedMind]

ATK...Thanks for the added man rules..I don't know about rule #3, That's just way too savage..eating your mate sounds like an arachnid would do not man.

[ATK]

Originally Posted by TrainedMind

ATK...Thanks for the added man rules..I don't know about rule #3, That's just way too savage..eating your mate sounds like an arachnid would do not man.

In Australia Mate(s) means your closest and best friend(s). That is, if the break the third rule, then you must kill them and eat them. Thats the way we do things in Australia.


Oh, ****... Did I just say that out loud.
Errr... forget I said anything... hmmm.

[TrainedMind]

HA!Ha! I know what mate means. I just wanted to sneak that arachnid crap cause we don't eat our friends here in the states for minor fault...only on certain occassions such as plane crashes and when we are stranded in an island..we eat them a little at a time to allow them recuperate

[pink-x-pong]

i hope girls around the world every read this and dont give ug uys sex..forever!

[ATK]

Originally Posted by pink-x-pong

i hope girls around the world every read this and dont give ug uys sex..forever!

Hmmm... Such venom, Pongo. I'm sure there is a site on the net with the female equivelent of these rules. Post em up and stand stand tall with your fellow sisters as the debate of the toilet seat is brought to a monumental cataclismic end that will go down in history!

Canadian chicks are so cute when they're mad.

[Odin92681]

Originally Posted by pink-x-pong

i hope girls around the world every read this and dont give u guys sex..forever!

Never gonna happen,

Just for that post I'm going on STRIKE. The wife wont get none for a week.

I shall soon become a member of NO MA'AM

[ATK]

Odin delivers once more!

[TRAZ]

Great pic Odin!!! I miss that show....