Although I really try to keep in my mind there's nothing 'wrong with me" - it's still really hard not to think that he is searching out "another woman". I've been reading a lot about this addiction that last couple of days and it's very surprising to read where this addiction actually comes from. In short it normally comes from a devistating emotional experience. The reason people come to be addicted to this is because it is a fantasy world that they can escape to where no one's feelings matter (including their own - there is no emotional attachment to these women, it is what it is, cut and dry). In that aspect they are able to escape for 20 minutes, half hour, 3 hours, etc. to a place where there is no hurt, anger, etc. Very similar to a drug/alcohol addiction except in this case, the brain is producing the soothing chemicals instead of a drug. In my fiances case, he does have a very devastating emotional experience in his past, which I'm obviously not going to go into. These experiences that cause it can be anything from a death of a close family member, loss of a relationship that they were very emotionally invested in, sexual abuse, being abandoned by a parent, etc. the list goes on.
I can honestly say, as of Monday I was ready to leave him. It took me doing some research on my own to get the actual reason out of him, but I've now been able to talk to him and tell him the things that I found and he has admitted that he has used it as an escape of sorts. This is where we start. My emotions are still VERY raw where this is concerned. I've still got some of my own issues that I need to work through. I've found an S-ANON support group that I can communicate with, which really seems to help because I've found other women that feel exactly how I do. BUT, at this point I'm not turning my back on my fiance. I HATE what he has done and I hate what it's done to me and it's hard for me to look at him sometimes. However, when I said that I would marry him - I meant for better or for worse and even though this is a "for worse" - the only thing that I feel that I can do is stand by him and help him with the addiction. I've told him that the first thing that needs to happen is for him to open up to me about what is going on and why and he's actually told me more information today about some of the reasons behind it than he has told me in 2 years. I'm taking this as encouragement that he is going to go down the right path. I'm setting myself up for the set-backs that I know are going to happen. Right now I'm just hoping that we can work through it together. LIke I said before, I love this man more than anything. It's my duty to stand by and HELP him, not shut him out.
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Gettin' lean!
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