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Originally Posted by Gill
Secondly, Robyn, I feel like you may be approaching the situation too aggressively for him to unfold infront of you. The way you've described approaching him sounds very authoritative. This sort of confrontation makes the subject (your husband) feel like you view his porn habits as bad, wrong, etc therefore making him believe he needs to lie about it. I know you've put your heart on the line here and I commend you for offering him as many chances as you have, but I feel if you alter your approach to a more empathetic stance, he may be more encouraged and comfortable with discussing this with you.
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Right now I AM approaching him in an authoritative way. I've tried approaching him in any way that I can think of. I've cried, I've begged, I've asked, I've tried to turn the tables, I've been mean and kicked him out. I've given him a choice. I don't know what else to do. Right now, I'm trying to be strong and put my foot down and let him know that I'm not taking it any more.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Gill
I don't think this has so much to do with addiction as it has to do with lack of will power. You've already stated he failed to quit smoking. Most likely, he just doesn't know how to say no when the opportunity is available. The distinction is that it is simply a want instead of a need. He doesn't NEED porn but its an obtainable WANT.
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I can understand both sides of what you're saying. I really don't know if it IS an actual addiction or not. I have a hard time believing in a porn addiction honestly, but I could be lying to myself. I'm not sure. Porn is EVERYWHERE on the internet. This much I know. He has told me that sometimes he will be on one site looking at something totally unrelated to porn and if there is a link to something like Jessica Simpson nude, he clicks on it, which of course that page has a link on it to a porn site, etc. and it just snowballs. I'm sure this is the way it happens sometimes. But I know other times he just sits down at the computer and types in certain porn sites.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Gill
Like Mitch stated and I whole heartedly agree, unless I'm getting some every day there is always an urge for that release.
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I have a pretty big need for it every day too. There are times that I want sex that he doesn't. That doesn't mean I jump on the computer and look at porn. Have I done that? Sure. But the difference is, I will flat out tell him that I need some satisfaction and if he won't take care of it, I'll take care of myself. Then there have been times where I have been home that he hasn't made one sexual move towards me, but the minute I leave, he's on the internet looking at porn. That tells me he's choosing porn over me. Now, as ****ty as that feels, I can understand sometimes you need a release when there's no one around to take care of it. I don't have any problems with that. But to LIE about it, erase it from the computer so I don't see it, etc. - that is where my problem lies.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Gill
The fact that you spied on him can only damage your trust link. I know you did what you felt you have to, but when you start snooping around each other, it only reinforces the fact that you see his habit as wrong and gives him the idea that he can invade your privacy as well.
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Oh yes. The trust is VERY damaged. I have pretty much zero trust for him right now. And as far as him invading my privacy - I have none. I don't hide anything from him. I've told him things most people wouldn't share with others and he knows what's up every minute of every day. And if he feels the need to "snoop" he can - I have nothing to hide.