Mitch - I understand where you are coming from. I have a few exes that watched it. I've watched it with a couple of them and had a few that would just turn it on with me in the room if they felt the need to watch it. My problem doesn't neccesarily come from the actual porn itself, but the lying about the porn. I can't help but feel like I am doing something wrong, or there is something wrong with ME as a woman. I've never had tremendous self esteem, but I've always had a little bit of confidence. It's all gone. I look in the mirror and analyze to the point of tears what all is wrong with me physically. I'm constantly changing my hair style, color, clothes, etc. to try to be more of what I think he wants. I'm not being conceited, but trust me when I say I've had my share of male attention. I'm not saying I'm some gorgeous sexy beast, but I've been told a few times that I'm pretty hot. I work hard on my body and to look the way that I do for having 3 children. I haven't "let myself go" since having kids and I really don't think I look all of my 29 years. I take care of myself and I strive to be beautiful for him. I've got average looks, but I do what I can with what I've got. On top of that, like I said earlier, I'm "adventurous" in the bedroom and there's not really anything I won't do with him. I'd more than love to have sex every day, twice a day if I'm in the mood. I have a full time (good) job. I'm a good mother and I give 100% to my relationship. There's not a man on this earth that could take my eyes off of my fiance. Once a week I take a day to show him how much I care, by buying him a card, cooking his favorite dinner, making him cookies, buying him something, etc. I tell him every day how attractive I find him and how much he means to me. I'm starting to feel like a doormat.
Even if he decides he doesn't want to talk to someone, I'm calling today to make an appointment to go talk to someone to help get "me" back. I've lost a lot of myself because of this. I have such a hard time wondering how he can see what this is doing and not doing anything to stop it.
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Gettin' lean!
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