[Sophie]

Originally Posted by jennyd

Well, I also read this from that site...and in a lot of circumstances, I think the parts that I made bold do describe you.

In spite of average or above-average intelligence, the person thinks in magical and simplistic ways, for example, "If I am thinner, I will feel better about myself." S/he loses the ability to think logically, evaluate reality objectively, and admit and correct undesirable consequences of choices and actions.
Becomes irrational and denies that anything is wrong. Argues with people who try to help, and then withdraws, sulks, or throws a tantrum. Wanting to be special, s/he becomes competitive. Strives to be the best, the smallest, the thinnest, and so forth.

I’ll agree with some of what you bolded. I do know the consequences and know what will happen if I continue to do this. I haven’t denied anything is wrong. I know I’m relapsing and I don’t consider this “special” in any form or fashion. It’s an illness like any other.

BUT...this anorexia...this relapse....you know that you should be eating. You know that your weight is 'healthy and normal' as you keep putting it. Anorexics don't know these things...

I disagree that “anorexics don’t know these things” comment. Some don’t, some do. They’re not all the same. Some are very well aware that what they are doing is killing them but they can't stop.

they think they're fat and think that they need to lose weight to become something better, and they lose control of what is realistically healthy and what is not. They have a distorted body image. Some even think it's a cool thing to be disgustingly scrawny. You are not claiming to posess any of these things

I said I know my weight is normal. I also know when I look in the mirror I hate what I see. I want my lower body to be smaller. I want to look like I did when I was 90 lbs. Even looking back at the pictures before I was hospitalized I don’t think I looked that bad. I know this is brain chemistry and once you restrict so long it's just something that happens.

Eating disorders have nothing to do with weight. It’s just something to focus on. Something to control when you have nothing else to control. Losing weight is a consequence of not eating which is a symptom of a larger problem.

I don't restrict my caloric intake to lose weight. I do it so I don't get flashbacks of the abuse. Losing weight is just something I can focus on.

and you are saying that you want to get help but nobody will help you because of your weight? I find that EXTREMELY hard to believe that a girl is starving herself and no doctor is willing to help, because of your bodyweight. You are saying that you can't get any psychological help?

You not believing it doesn’t make it not true. Before I was hospitalized I wasn’t even diagnosed with anorexia because my weight was “too high”. I saw a nutritionist who told me my diet was normal and all girls eat like that even though I was eating 600 calories a day. My doctor said I should weigh between 95-100 lbs and if I got below 70 lbs he'd do something about it.

So yes, when it comes to getting treatment for eating disorders, weight does matter. Did you not read what Hawkwind said?

Psychological help right now, no. Not in college. On vacation. Will be home soon. No one accepts Medicaid except the place I went to before I was hospitalized. They did nothing except make things worse. So until I’m back in college, no, no therapy.

What about the abuse issues? They won't treat you for that because you don't have bruises?

My therapist at college has told me she doesn’t know how to help me. Every time I bring it up she asks if I am going back to ITT (Intensive Trauma Treatment) anytime soon. No therapist I have ever went, except for ITT has been able to help me. They’ve all told me they aren’t trained to deal with it.

ITT costs $4,000 out of pocket for every 5 days I go there. I have been for a total of 10 days. My friend of the family/father figure has paid every penny of that money.

Until I get the abuse issues resolved, I will struggle with the eating disorder. I've been told this and I know it. My friend can't afford $4,000 very often though. I have to make due with the help I get there, continue the techniques once I get out, and go from there.

And please don't go and tell me that I don't know what I'm talking about, and that I don't know anything about eating disorders or abuse...you don't know me.

You don’t know me or my situation either.

I hate to be the one to be giving out this "tough love" so to speak, but to me...all this shows is weakness...and that is not very attractive on anyone, imo. You show a desire for attention. And most of all, nobody can help you if you're not willing to help yourself.

I don't know how long I've sat here trying to figure out what to say to the above. I've typed out many things but deleted them all.

I'll just say that no one here knows what I think about myself, knows my situation, or what I've already tried and didn't work. I have been in therapy for once thing or another since I was 5 and a lot of progress has been made. I also know there is still a lot that needs to be made. I don't know what else to say on this matter.