The popular view of ‘self-nurturing’ seems
to focus on making ourselves feel good. Experts in magazine
columns exhort us to be nice to ourselves, to speak gently
to ourselves, and to ensure we’re not so disciplined
that we forget to treat ourselves to something that feels
nice once in a while. You know the kind of advice we’re
talking about: get a weekly massage, or meet up with friends
for a coffee on a regular basis. None of which we’d
necessarily disagree with – but we also suggest that
self-nurturing goes much deeper. Of course, the added advantage of addressing basic needs first when trying to build self-esteem, is that it sends a clear, pre-emptive message to your Inner Critic (which will often try to tell you that looking after yourself is selfish) that you’re worth taking care of. And that, in itself, can be a huge step forward in building self-esteem.
But if that’s not enough, and you feel you don’t deserve to spend this time (or money) on yourself, you might want to remember the last safety demonstration you saw on an airplane (if you’ve never flown, you’ve probably still seen it in a movie). Remind your Critic that in *every* demonstration, passengers are told that if oxygen masks drop, they must fit their own before helping others. Most people would agree this makes sense – after all, if you’re short of oxygen yourself, you’re not going to be in any kind of position to help anyone else fit theirs. So is it so hard to extrapolate from airplanes to everyday life?
As with anything, in order to give something (whether it be oxygen, energy or time), we need to actually have it to start with. We simply can’t give what we don’t have. Just as, to manage the task of fitting someone else’s oxygen mask, you need a minimal flow of oxygen to your own brain; to meet the needs of others, you first need to make sure your own are met. And meeting our own needs is exactly what self-nurture is all about.
Once, and only once, you’ve begun to address these basic needs do we suggest that you start exploring the suggestions of the many experts out there. Not all suggestions will work for everyone – but the only way to find out whether something will work for you is to try it.
Finally, if you discover that you’re not meeting your basic needs, but aren’t quite sure what to do to change that (or know what you need to do, but somehow never seem to get around to making it happen), you may well find asking for help from others useful.
Our final article in this series on Stress and Self-esteem investigates how best to do this, but if you’d like to benefit from personal coaching with a qualified stress management counsellor before then, please don’t hesitate to contact me to find out how I can best help you.
Until the next article, may every day bring you closer to your Optimum Life.
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